9:59 PM


salamullahualaikum.

it had ben days since i last post, eh? and being true to as what people had said about me, (me = fickled) i decided not to private the blog. there were reasons of course why i wanted to private my blog.

1) my rents are reading this. they saw one post and was questioning me about it.
2) i seriously felt like turning into an anti-social.
3) i got really tired of wanting to update very much.
4) i dont want people to know what i am up to.

BUT!

1) i think my rents are going to find out about what i wrote on this blog eventually, so there really is no point in hiding the naked truth. if i cant communicate with them face to face, then, the blog is just another means to communicate.
2) i was under depression. (i dont know if i can term it as this) it was just mild. im not crazy yet and i dont need to see the doctor (though my dad claimed that i have to. i basically DONT WANT TO. i dont see the point to it. im not ready to tak. i sont want to talk. and i am aware that im not okay up there. as in, im not coping very well. so i think its okay. right?). i was just feeling like every person im meeting or basically everyone whose breathing the air i breathe, is a threat, harmful. I SORRY. its just what i thought. but, im gettig over this. whatever this is..
3) to me, having a blog is to update others on what you're doing. this may differ form an individual to another. it maybe to inform about a certain subject. to tell about a particular object. to advertise or whatsoever. but to me, i know that by the time i typed words and published it, its for the whole world to read. i tried google(ing) my name and my blog came up. all my emotions and rants and complaints and comments, its for the world's eyes. so, that why you fel like you have to update. plus, i'll miss updating if i cant do so in a week. its really tat bad.
4) this literally contradicts in wanting to have a blog in the firt place. i know. but the moment i signed up a google account, did this blog and published posts on it, i dont know that i'll get into some sort of an anti-social behaviour, later. so, its just a one-off moment. really!

so, that is why i didnt private my blog. :D

this week's a breeze. no, it wasnt. it was more like a ragged breath. silent but hard. barely there but you dont notice it so much. it was a fleeting week. and its just wednesday. a lot of things happened. not like last week. but still, a lot. i have been working on my geography. trying to pull those marks back up. ive not been sleeping in class but today, i failed. i slept in chemistry. the subject i hated most. truly, i am trying to love the subject, just so i can get that A. but oh Allah, why is it so hard? the niat. it ust be the niat. from today, insyaAllah, i would not study chemistry just for that A. but for you, Allah. amiin. i am still learning to not sleep in class. especially in chemistry. gaah. i have been reading up on history quite a lot too. no, not a lot. just here and there. and tried to stay attentive in english class for those gazzetes of history lessons. i envy ishak. my general knowledge aint that good, i guess. im ging to learn. im thirsty. if only i was given ample time..




putting that aside, the sajak competition went really well. it wasnt fair that i had to go first. it was supposed to be that sec1 girl. and everyone thought mine was a performance, not part of the competition. that means good, right? HAHA!! okayokay, im not going to.. yeah, im not. i should photocopy that tilawah paper from someone laaaah. or i should just ask it from ustazah. i feel guilty! what kind of leader am i?! harrumph. have i told you that i posted a nasty post just a few days ago and deleted it. it contained a lot of swearing, which i am not used to. (seriously, i dont get it why people swear i mean, a couple of shit(s) are okay, i guess, (no, its NOT okay if its just for fun. you should try to avoid saying it. i am trying really hard) and whatthehell is fine with me. but all those swearings. i am simply afraid of them, sometimes. trust me, i am. :D i was really mad, as in REALLY MAD and dissapointed. gawd, but i got lectured advised and i deleted the post. i am a good girl.

my anger management is going really well, i guess. i hate it that im becoming more like syafiq. i cant simply get angry at anybody now. i'll cry. and NAZIRUL IS REALLY BREATHING DOWN MY NECK. I DESPISE HIM. i dont hate him anymore. yes mama (or papa), if you're reading this, that son of yours is not my brother ANYMORE. i resent him. i really resent him. i dont know what made him into the demon he is now, but he is. A DEMON. and im afraid, the house is agaist not agreeing to his terms but everyone is just hoping that he'll change. AND NAZIRUL, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I HOPE A DEMON BIGGER, STRONGER, MORE EGOISTICAL AND MORE HOT-HEADED WILL HAUNT YOU DOWN TO YOUR LAST BREATH. i know that it is not good praying evil thigs to befall on a brother in Islam, (furthermore, you're my blood brother) but i hope, things come to your senses and its not too late. hanging on Nabi's qaul that if i cant stop you using power, and i cant stop you using advises, the only next best thing is to pray for you tp realise the things you've done wrong. and i now that its the lowest rank of iman,but its what im going to do. i hope you learn respect in time to start practising it. (and i know, sometimes im mean too. but face it, you deserve it)



this is one long post. im tired and a little bit sic. ive been very restless and lost my appetite. i hope you have gained something. if not some, a little benefit from it will do. all praises to Allah. and peace be upon His Messenger, Rasullulah.

salam!

Labels: i feel so... MAD. ANGRY. SHY. HELPLESS. CONFUSED. LOST. BEATEN. DEMORALIZED. DOWN. EXHILARATE. DEPRESSED. ANXIOUS. BORED. POWERFUL. LETHARGIC. MOODY. PLEASED. (i know you get what i meant)