8:47 PM


salam brothers and sisters.

it is one of those freaking hot days. all humid and warm. all sweaty and oily. it is one of those weeks. all stressful and stoical. all with their crayon smiles. all jumping into conclusions. all being emotionally unstable. all trying to do the impossible. all lazying around and you just stand there, staring at them, wishing you were too. it was a hell of a week and i think i lost myself somewhere on one of those days.

its a simple routine. but, really, its getting freaking irritating that im freaking irritated and annoyed.

waking up at 5.30 in the wee morning (I KNOW YOU GUYS WAKE UP, EARLIER. SHUTUP. ITS MY TURN TO TALK), taking turns in the shower. hearing mom making noise in the background. occasional EXTRA noise from the siblings. and you have to hurry your way. throwing things into your backpack. shutting up the mouth, refusing the words that are dying to escape. tightening the knot in your stomach. practising the patience that was taught dinosaur years ago.

and in school, all you do is the same. you practice your maths, you ramble in english, malay and geography, you do your theory for physics and chemm, and for arabic, you do translations. all day long. all week long. and when saturday comes, you have LFP. day in, day out, the words haunt you and the equations and the formulas stalk you. trying to squeeze the last juice out of your brain. you were never at rest, never at ease. you were robbed your days and time. you were snatched your luxuries. you became stoical too.

during this time, you would ask, where is the time? where is the time? where is the freaking time?! and its not like i dont revise. the students in class are freaking competitive. im sorry. but you guys make me look so small. a small fish in a big pond. is that what i will always be? you are allowed to dream, right?

i think i need the shrink.

fast and furious 4 was great though. i enjoyed your company. the sound system was awesome and the atmosphere as good. van diesel was hot. i was an hour late. -_-"

i am distancing myself from everybody, i guess. except for some. i am sorry. i hate myself for it. but i dont know what to do anymore. i am trying not to make this an emotional shit thang.

but im declaring my misses to shazaa and hijann and ajeera and amira and lyna and nana. i also miss hanging out for netball. and of course i miss my group. MAR'AH MIA. (this seems funny. with you all, my misses are more. we met and spend the nights together for 3 days and see what Allah made our friendship into? i love you guys)

to those who seemed to unable to contact me, i am sorry. i am just not myself aymore. yes. eh, no. i dont know lah. but most of all, Allah, of course knows best. so, i seek your prayes. please pray for me? a single thought is enough to let me go through hardships in Allah's gracious land.

i hope things are going to be fine. and between us too. i hope things are going to be fine. cause im seeing you lesser. communicating lesser each day. im unsure but i think you're the reson why i an in this state. i didnt have my prescribed dosages for days. im sorry to blame you. im truly sorry.

always have to be the strong one. hold that strong surface. i love you too.

with lots of hugs and kisses,
regard and prayers,
SALAM!

(and to you, young lad, GO AND DO YOUR OWN THING SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!!!! the more you irritate me, the more i will want to hurt you. YOU ARE ONE-OF-A-FREAKING-KIND OF IRRITANT!! GO AWAY FROM MY LIFE!!!!)